


Sunshine

by Disquieting_thanatopsis



Series: Siseman [1]
Category: Siseman
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2020-01-15 13:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18500392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Disquieting_thanatopsis/pseuds/Disquieting_thanatopsis
Summary: Abnormalities become the norm if given time to adjust. If not then adaptation is going to be much more challenging. Deadly even. But it must be done if the organism wants to survive. Otherwise that organism will die. But it is natural instinct for an organism to survive. No matter the circumstances. No matter the price. And that is how far some will go. But not others. They have things they care for other than surviving. But when those organisms go against the ones who care for themselves, it is much harder. So why have a care?





	1. Conversation

**Author's Note:**

> Shane's POV

I have to say - it's quite hard to pay attention in math class. As a junior in high school it's even harder to stay awake too. I keep almost nodding off, until I hear the bell ring. I jump slightly and begin to pack my stuff to go to my locker. As I go and open my locker, one of 3 guys slammed their hand on the locker door and almost shuts my hand in it. The leader of this bully pack grins maliciously. It's Steven and his 2 sidekicks - James and Eric. They have goofy grins plastered on their faces and look quite proud of themselves, with massive egos out for show. Why won't they just leave me alone? Don't they irritate me and others enough? It's so tiring and old. Steven says, “Hello there doggie boy!” That's right. He calls me doggie boy because he also calls me his bitch. I absolutely HATE it. They don't even call me Shane - my real name. But I don't really have the courage to stand up against him, so I just sigh and reopen my locker and make sure it stays open. I start to get what I need and put away what I don't rather quickly, as the boys chatter insults toward me amongst themselves specifically for me to hear. Then a slam is heard that makes us all jump. I look over and see a boy with dirty blond hair and deep blue eyes. He says in a slightly threatening voice, “Really? Picking on people shorter than you is really lowly and cruel of you. I suggest you leave now.” We all are a little frozen from that, since this kid doesn't usually talk to… well anyone. He's quiet, and seems brooding and angry all the time. It's so odd that he even speaks now - nonetheless to stand up for me… if that's even what he's doing. Outside of knowing this blue eyed ‘savior’, he was in one of my classes for sophomore year, and is in 3 of my classes this junior year. Still has never said much of anything to anyone even then. The pack of bullies leave, and then joke among themselves again as if nothing happened, but I can tell they did not like being talked to like that. I had to at least thank this guy who helped… he seems so oddly familiar - not just from a class in school… I probably just saw him out and about before and I'm still shaken up, so my body may still be in shock. I decide to say, “Th-thank you.” I hate that I stuttered, but I'm still surprised and shocked. The blue eyed boy responds, saying, “No problem.” I want to know more about this shady and reserved guy, so I'll start asking basic questions. I ask, “Hey, what's your name?” He doesn't take long to respond, saying, “Toby.” I'm going to try to keep this conversation going for as long as I can. “My name is Shane, and it's nice to meet you Toby,” and I give a little smile. He doesn't respond as I expected. He really is a reserved person… this is going to be hard. But I am determined and I am gonna try! I'm sure I can get this guy to open up. Even just a little. I try to continue by asking, “Why did you help me?” He looks at me for at second, then responds with, “I don't like them. And you weren't going to stand up for yourself, so I did.” I am starting to learn he is very direct…. I just nod, and shut my locker, already had done what I needed to do. I then dare to ask, “Hey, would you like to be friends?” Toby seems to think on that for a bit. He then responds with, “Yeah, sure.” I smile a bit, and the warning bell rings signaling I need to get moving. I say, “Great! We can talk more later then!” I was extremely happy - I may have a chance to make a new friend and learn more about this mysterious guy! A win-win! I cannot wait to see how this will play out! But for the meantime, I need to run to my class or I'm gonna be late again!


	2. Locker Greeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shane's POV

I see Toby the next day at my first class, as I have my first class, and last 2 with him - math, history, and science - in that order actually. So when I walk into my first class, I see that Toby is there - in his usual seat in the back left of the class. I spot an empty seat next to him, and decide to go over and dare to sit by him. I set my stuff down at that table, and Toby doesn’t seem to notice me, as he seems distracted by a small object on his desk that he is messing with between his fingers. I have a lot of questions - even on what he is messing with in his hands now - but I’ll probably save them for lunch time though…. I somewhat quietly say to him, “Good morning Toby,” with a slight smile on my face. To my surprise, he jumps, and seems to have hid the small object in his hand tight within his grasp. I flinch a little, startled slightly from his reaction. Toby sighs, and returns my previous statement with, “Morning.” I feel bad that I had scared him like that… I didn't mean to - I feel as if I irritated or upset him. I sit down, and find the air between us a little awkward. Toby seems to be not used to having people talk to him that much, I assume, due to that reaction. But the bell starting the class rings, interrupting my thoughts. Class goes on as normal for me - tired, dreary, and not paying much attention. But this time my mind isn’t wandering to the past, it is wandering to what Toby could possibly have in his hand, and is worth hiding from others. As soon as I started thinking, I must have lost track of the time, as the bell had rung yet again. Time moved by so fast! I snap to focus, and I collect my stuff, and say to Toby in a happy tone in hopes to lighten the mood between us, “See you at lunch, Toby!” He nods, and leaves, as I leave the room after him. For my next two classes, I cannot help but wonder over what is in Tobys hand. That makes my time move faster, as it seems, in those classes, and lunch arrives rather quickly. I go and get myself a lunch, and look for Toby. I look around, and eventually spot him at a table all alone. I walk over, and sit across from him. Some other people look over in slight shock, but they continue on with their own business. I have so many questions I am ready to ask. Just then, Toby says, “I’m sure you have questions. I will only answer five. Ask wisely.” “Five questions? But I have so many more I want to ask!” “Well it's four now.” I almost say something else, but I remain quiet and think for a minute on which questions would be more important, rather than the one I just wasted. To ease my curiosity from earlier, I ask, “Okay, what were you messing with in your hands earlier this morning when I came in and said good morning?” He seems to ponder whether to tell me or not. He sighs and asks, “Do you really want to know?” I nod eagerly. He lets out a weaker sigh, and says, “You better not judge,” as he hands the small object over. All I see is an empty bullet shell. It smells old, and looks rather small. I take it carefully and look it over. I decide to ask, “Why do you have this? Do you shoot?” “I have it as a remnant of something that happened when I was a kid. And no. You have one question left.” I hand back the bullet shell carefully, as it seems to mean a lot to him, and I think over my last question. I want to ask him what happened in the past that left him with just a bullet shell, but I fear that it may bring up things that will make him upset, so I'm going to refrain from that. I have a fare share of upsetting memories myself, so I can understand. I decide to ask, “Are you really willing to be friends with me, or are you doing it so you don't hurt my feelings?” “If I didn’t want to hurt your feelings I wouldn’t lead you on. Yes, I do want to be friends with you. Truly.” I smile a bit, happy over his response, and that I used my last question wisely. After that, we make some small talk and eat lunch, and go about the rest of our day normally. But I am excited for the days to come of learning more of this Toby guy, with these odd blue eyes.


	3. More People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toby's POV

For the next week to come, me and Shane start to get along more. When I first met him, he seemed a lot different than the other guys I have met, but I had no idea how to approach him before. But a few days back, an opportunity arose - even though it wasn't the best one to be in. Well regardless, at this point he knows about the bullet shell, but thankfully not of its origins and how that all played out. That was a dark day that changed everything about my life. Maybe I'll talk about it to him later. In fact, now that I realize it, being friends with him - with anyone, will cause me to open up, and I am not ready to do that with anyone yet. At all. I feel bad that I am this way, as it may make it hard on Shane, and hard on growing this friendship. But I am willing to try. Shane seems like a really nice guy, and there's something odd about him… not just on his heterochromia, but just him in general. I can't explain it too well, and I just want to find out more about him to see if I can figure out what it is. As we sit at lunch one day, two boys walk over, calling Shane's name and one of them is waving. Shane turns, and smiles a bit. I just sit there quietly, trying to make myself less visible, and just listen. One of the boys with a little bit long brown hair and light blue eyes says, “Hey Shane! And hello… uh… Toby, is it?” I nod, still not wanting to say much. The black disheveled hair and dark brown eyes says, “Nice to meet ya Toby!” I nod a little bit in return, hoping he got that I was returning what he said. The brown haired boy says, “My name is Thomas!” and the black haired boy says, “And my name is Nick!” They continue to stand there, and I can tell they may want to sit and eat, so I say, “It's nice to meet you - you can sit.” They sit down, one on Shane's left and one on his right. I am a little upset it wasn't just me and Shane, but that's fine - I'm sure we'll get other times to talk by ourselves. The one named Nick says, “Well I didn't know you were much of a talker,” as he chuckles to relieve all negativity from the statement. I couldn't say I'm talking to Shane because I have an extremely weird feeling about him, so I just nod a little bit and say a casual agreement. We just sit and eat, and I soon learn that Nick is very energetic, and Thomas is very encouraging in a way. They seem like pretty decent people, and like they would never hurt Shane like Steven, James, and Eric would. I hate those boys. They are extremely egotistical, and don't care about anyone but themselves. They are the epitome of annoyances, rudeness, and selfishness. I then snap back to focus and see Nick making funny faces, with Shane laughing happily and Thomas looking to me with slight worry, but he seems to relax and lighten up and chuckle along with Shane. I should probably get to know his friends more too - they may be nice and I could maybe learn more about Shane at the same time. That may be a lot of work, but I am willing to try it.


	4. Peek Under the Curtain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shane's POV

There is an odd feeling around Toby. I don't know how to describe it, but it is odd. I just can’t figure it out. Does he have the same odd feeling? I really don't know. But one thing I fear that if I get closer to him, he will figure out who I really am. This human form - just a facade. I’m sure he’ll hate me if he finds out that I really am a beast. A beast in a human guise. I hope he never finds out. That could ruin everything we can build in our friendship. But then Nick says something that shocks me and I can tell it shocked Toby a little. He says, “Hey do you guys want to hang out at my place tonight?” Thomas says after a little thinking, “Yeah sure I can come.” I think over it. Yeah sure my mom may be pissed, but I don't really care. I say, “Yeah - sounds like fun!” Toby seems to still think over it, either whether he can go or even if he wants to, I am not sure. Then about a minute later, Toby says, “Sure, I’ll come.” I feel relief and fear that he is coming. The relief comes from the fact that it gives me more time to learn about him, but the fear comes from the fact that I have terrible nightmares, and I don't want him to worry about them. Regardless I'll just have to hide it from him, and if he finds out, then oh well - nothing can be done. But I get a little excited at the idea of hanging out with them, and the fact it's a Friday makes it so we can sleep in! The bell rings, signaling the end of lunch, and we agree to meet up later after school at my locker. And once that time comes around after I zoomed through the rest of my classes, I mess with my stuff in my locker - getting what I need and leaving what I don't. I then see Toby walk over and say, “Hey Shane.” I smile and say, “Hey Toby - are you ready for a fun night?” He nods as I close my locker and we wait a minute for Nick and Thomas, but we grow impatient quickly. Toby asks, “Is there any way you can text them and say we'll meet them there? I need to grab stuff from home if I come over.” “Oh sure, I can text them. And I know where he lives so afterward we can just walk there.” I take a minute to send the message, and then we get in Tobys car - a grey Honda Civic. I actually have no idea how to drive even though I am a junior, thanks to my mom. But I carefully get in the car in the passenger's seat, while Toby is in the driver's seat. We start driving, and an awkward silence lingers. I can tell Toby is nervous to go - I can feel his nervousness. To break the silence I say, “Hey, I know you're nervous, but Thomas, Nick, and Nicks family are all nice people. You've got nothing to worry about.” I smile a bit to try to ease any tension. He then says, “Well you know them. I don't.” I chuckle and say, “Well that's the point - it's to get to know each other a bit more!” “Well, that's nice of you.” He doesn't say that sarcastically, just more of his normal monotone like voice. The only other emotion I have ever seen him have was anger at Steven, and his normal emotionless like state. But before I can think more, he pulls into a driveway. As he stops the car he says, “Stay here, I'll be back.” He gets out, leaving the car on, and comes back out not long later with an athletic bag with who knows what in it. When he gets in the car he puts the bag in the backseat and I ask, “What's in the bag?” “A change of clothes, toothbrush, stuff like that.” I nod and begin to tell him the directions to Nicks house.


	5. Overnight Pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shane's POV

When we arrive at Nicks, Toby still seems a little worried and nervous, but he'll soon learn everything is just fine. Once we make it there, Toby parks and he grabs his bag and I grab my backpack, and we go up to the front door. Toby knocks and Nick answers the door. “Where did you guys go!?” I say, “You weren't there after school so we went for a quick pit stop.” “Ooooh okay, well come on in!” He moves out of the way so we can walk in. I keep my eyes still somewhat on Toby, since he still seems a little on edge. We take our shoes off by the front door, and Nick immediately races upstairs. I chuckled and followed after him, with Toby just walking up the stairs with his bag. Thomas is already sitting against Nicks bed as he watches some crazy movie that's on, and he gets up happily when he sees us. Toby asks, "Do you have anything planned, Nick?" Nick shakes his head and says, "Well, I did plan one thing, but other than that I just wanted to see what you guys wanted to do." "What is the one thing you planned?" "Oh, you'll see," Nick grins suspiciously. We all gain a worried look, but don't want to boost his pride by showing suspicion. I roll my eyes jokingly and chuckle at his antics. Thomas then asks with slight exasperation, “Well, can you at least tell us what there is to eat? I’m starving!” “Well, I’ll at least share that” Nick chuckles, and leads us down to his kitchen. Once we are all congregated there, the atmosphere seems a little more relaxed, and I sort of linger behind the others, not wanting to leave them, but my mothers own… inquiries on the matter of food are ingrained into my mind, so I make sure to stay well enough away. I get the feeling that Toby is paying attention to me, despite him not even looking at me, but at Nick and Thomas’ silly banter over food. I then freeze. Speaking of Toby, he’s the only human in this house. He’s quite literally in a wolf’s den. I wonder if he can sense it, or if he feels unsettled over it. Toby’s blue eyes then gaze into my dark and light brown eyes with warm concern, despite his normally stoic expression. I can practically see the question in his ensnaring pupils, ‘Are you okay?’, which I respond to with snapping back to reality with a convincing smile. He then seems to take it, and resume sighing and shaking his head at Nick and Thomas arguing playfully over cereal. Toby then breaks the argument by asking, “So, are we ever going to find out what you had in store?” Thomas then sneaks a bag of chips, while Nick responds in a slightly offended manner with, “Patience my friend, all in good time.” Toby sighs, and Nick’s mother walks in. I notice her first with Thomas, saying, “Hello Mrs. Yusuf!” Nick then sees her and says, “Hey mom!” She smiles at them and says, “Hello Nick, Shane Thomas-” She then spots Toby, who seems mildly uncertain, and asks, “And who might you be? One of these rascals new friends?” She wraps her arm around Nick and ruffles his hair, with the recipient seemingly displeased by it, although laughing all the same. Toby then seems to swallow any uncertainty he once harbored, offered his hand to shake, and said, “Toby; it’s nice to meet you Mrs. Yusuf.” She shakes his hand while saying, “Quite the gentleman! Make yourself at home here!” “Thank you ma’am.” She pauses, then states, “Well, it was nice meeting you, but I think my son is going to burst if he waits any longer.” Nick is jumping up and down excitedly, as she continues saying, “So I’ll see you guys tomorrow morning for breakfast!” She leaves, and Nick practically yells, “Come on guys let’s go!” as he races up the stairs. Thomas looks at me and Toby, and offers chips from his bag while saying, “Let’s just hope he doesn’t faceplant into the stairs again.” Toby declines the food offering and ponders, “Again?” As I grab a few chips somewhat nervously - thank you mother - I elaborate, “Sometimes he gets so excited or energetic - which I presume both are present at the moment - that he gets rather clumsy. And the last time that happened, he missed three whole stairs and had a red mark on his forehead from smashing his face into the step.” Thomas and I laugh, as Toby exhales air from his nose and smiles slightly in amusement, now all following Nick and his energetic self up the stairs and to his room. We open the door to see Nick sitting on the floor, looking at us in anticipation. I chuckle at his behavior, as he beckons us to sit down with him, ending up sitting in a deformed circle. He grins with a somewhat sadistic look, and says, “Let us begin!”


	6. Overnight Pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shane's POV

Nick smiles and says, “Now, for the main event everyone’s been waiting for… drumroll please,” he waits for us to fuel his amusement, but we just wait in anticipation to spite him, “... tough crowd - the main event is, truth or dare!” Toby then says something I took surprise to. when he says, “I know we don’t know each other very well, but are you serious? That’s what you’ve been trying to hype us up for?” I laugh as Thomas chuckles. Nick pulls a look that shows he’s offended, but jokingly so, and says, “Well, excuse me but that was exactly the point! To get to know each other more! See what dares one is willing to undergo, and what truths lie in our brains!” Thomas then says in a teasing manner, “Why did I expect anything else from you?” and continues chuckling, enjoying the show. Nick then pouts and says, “Well fine then, since you didn’t expect much else, you won’t mind going first!” “Alright, alright, sure, I’ll go first; Nick, truth or dare?” “Hm… truth!” “Why did you get us hyped up over truth or dare?” Thomas laughs as Nick rolls his eyes. Nick responds with some snark as he says, “Well, I was just trying to get you guys invested in it, and make it a surprise to look forward to! Now, Toby, truth or dare?” “Dare.” “I dare you to get on the roof of my house and act like you’re on the Titanic with someone like Jack and Rose!” Thomas curiously, and concerned, looks over and says, “Wow, no hesitation.” Toby gets up with no hesitation and asks, “How do I get on your roof?” Nick bursts out laughing. “Alright let’s go!” We all get up, as I now ponder how Toby can just commit whole-heartedly to this. Nick leads us all to his roof, with Thomas seemingly less fond of entirely being up there, remaining on the ladder that helps us ascend. Toby looks at me and asks, “Shane, do you wish to take part in my dare?” I nod and carefully walk over with Toby to a sturdy part of the roof, and I play Rose as Toby plays Jack from the Titanic movie. I look around, seeing a few houses and just breathe in the fresh air. Toby seems to tighten his grip on me as he whispers in my ear, “I’m sorry if I dragged you into this. If you’re afraid of heights.” I look at him happily and say, “Toby, to be honest, this is the free-est I’ve felt in a long time, here on this roof with you making sure I don’t fall back into the fire that scorches my flesh, and clouds my mind.” Toby’s eyes widen slightly, it seems from shock of what I said, and as I think about it, I begin to regret saying that much. I apologise to him, not able to continue looking into his analyzing gaze any longer. I thank Thomas for noticing my mood change. As he then suggests that we leave the rooftop, since he worries we will fall. We all comply, and go back to our seats in Nick’s room. Toby then looks at Nick and asks, “Truth or dare?” “Truth!” “Hm. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done?” Nick seems to ponder this. “I don’t really get embarrassed easily, but probably when I accidentally tell someone who gives me food, and they say ‘enjoy’, then I say ‘You too’ and then I just pretend it’s all fine like I didn’t just tell the person who’s giving me food to enjoy the food that’s not in their possession.” Toby exhales air from his nose to laugh, as Thomas and I laugh aloud. We play a few more rounds of truth or dare, and eventually it’s my turn again. I ask truth or dare to Toby, and he responds with truth. I ponder what I could ask him to tell the truth. An idea strikes me - what if I ask him more about the bullet shell he has? Maybe ask him to tell the story about it? I am honestly super curious to know more about him, and he doesn’t seem the type to chicken out - hell, he even got on the roof without hesitation. Toby snaps me out of my thoughts when he asks, “You okay there Shane?” “Uh, yeah, I was just pondering if the truth I thought of for you would be too much to ask….” “Well, lay it on me and I’ll tell you if it is or not.” “Okay… you don’t have to answer it, but what’s the story behind the shell you have?” Toby seems slightly taken aback by that, and he almost unnoticeably sticks his hand in his pocket and I can tell he is fiddling with it. Nick then asks, “Shell? Like a seashell?” I nervously respond with, “Well, you’ll know if Toby is okay with sharing, which by the way I know I may have overstepped my bounds and you don’t-” “I’ll tell you” Toby interjects, “but not all of it, so it’ll be summarized.” “...Are you sure?” “I mean why not? And plus I am no chicken, although I do have limits, this is fine.” I relax a little, and Thomas and Nick seem as invested and curious as me now. Toby then begins, “A long time ago, when I was really young, I met someone near, and dear to me. We hung out a lot and had a lot of fun each and every day. Then one day, my mother drove them off by trying to shoot them to startle them to make them run away, and it worked. I never saw them again and unbeknownst to my mother, I kept the shell. I still remember the look in their eyes when they ran, and not only was it terrifying, but it was a promise to see each other again someday. I will admit, I gave up looking at one point, being unable to find them for so long. But I know one day we will cross paths again.” I just stare at Toby as Nick sniffles, and says, “Geez man… how old were you?” “Hm… four or five I think.” Thomas practically yells, “That young? Holy shit man, that’s a lot for a little child to handle.” Toby just shrugs. “Where did she shoot them?” I find myself asking, then promptly shut my jaw so hard that the clink between my teeth jamming together is heard by everyone, and results in the others looking at me. Toby hesitantly responds, “I am not entirely sure, but I know the shot was not along the path of harming anything vital. If anything it might of hit their leg or foot,” he then slightly shifts the way he is speaking, sensing my embarrassment at the sudden odd question and continues by saying, “it’s fine you asked, it just shows you are more in tune to detail.” I relax a little at that, and Toby seems to smile ever so slightly at that for a split second. Toby then asks, “Nick, truth or dare?” “Dare!” “I dare you to make an edible pancake for all of us.” “What kind of dare is that?” Nick laughs. “One that I’m genuinely curious if you can accomplish or not,” Toby says, with a slight taunt in his voice. Nick then smirks, “Oh it’s on!” as he rushes downstairs with us in tow. Thomas, Toby, and I lean against the countertop as we watch Nick slowly begin to delve into insanity at his realization that he has no clue what he is doing. He keeps mumbling as he runs around and tries to make what he thinks might be a pancake, and I look over at one point and see Thomas have a face of horror and confusion. A few minutes later, three overly brown pancakes are placed in front of us as all three onlookers sit at the countertop. Nick has a smug face, which quickly turns into frustration as Thomas says, “You better get $2,000 ready since I’m going to sue you for giving me food poisoning.” Nick responds, “You haven’t even eaten it yet!” “I think you mean I haven’t had a painful sickness in my digestive track yet.” Nick huffs and says in an exasperated tone, “Just eat the damn pancake you ungrateful chipmunk.” I chuckle as I hear Thomas mumble, “Your insults are always so weird.” I take the first bite, and immediately notice that it’s extremely dry. But hey, it’s all I had to eat all day, so I swallow it anyways and say, “Not too bad, just a little dry. But other than that, it’s really not too far off.” Toby looks at his pancake in slight discomfort as his seems to have a liquidy congealment in the middle of his pancake. He takes a safe bite of the outside edge of his pancake and says, “This pancake is really liquidy. How much milk did you add?” Nick responds with, “Uh, that may be the pancake that I spilled a whole lot of milk in.” Toby puts down his fork with a slight twinge in his expression. Thomas then stabs his fork into the center and says, “Dude, this one wasn’t even done cooking - it probably still has raw eggs in it.” Nick, “Alright fine picky pants, truth or dare? Dare? Cool, I dare you to make a better pancake from memory than me!” “Challenge accepted.” Thomas then gets up and gets to work as Nick sadly tosses his pancakes into the trash, but begins watching Thomas. Not long later, he presents us with two pancakes each, and they appear all golden and nice. I take a bite into mine, and feel a pure fluffy bliss, warm and soft in my mouth with a slight sweet taste, mixing with syrup like a light to an electrical current. I tear up slightly and say, “This is the best thing I’ve ever had in my entire life,” as I continue to eat the amazing pancakes. In fact I am so enraptured by the sweet taste and finally eating something that I completely tune everything out, but I can already tell Toby and Nick don’t seem to have any complaints either. After the first pancake, my stomach groans in agony, having not been filled in a long while. I sigh internally, now feeling self conscious of my well hidden too thin frame; hidden thanks to my baggy sweatshirt and caused in the first place thanks to my own mother. She seems to be a root of a lot of my issues: my thin frame, my silent secludedness, my loneliness, my constant paranoia, and fear, my ever present purple marks dotting my skin joined by red lines that bubble, my lack of well rest, my discomfort, my lack of self positivity, my constant flinches, and my want to claw at my own throat to remove the red wires she places there. It’s becoming a bad habit. After she does something, or when I get stressed or really anxious, I scratch along my neck - long lengths all the way from the top to bottom of my neck, trying to claw my way from her clutches. A metaphor turned to a bad habit of mine, birthed from a particularly bad run in with her… frustration. “Shane,” I snap to attention, looking at Toby who whispered my name, as I notice Nick and Thomas arguing over the pancakes. “Are you alright?” Toby finishes, and I realize that I was unmoving and quiet while lost in thought. “Yeah, sorry for worrying you, I just got lost in thought is all,” I pull a reassuring smile, hearing an ever faint whisper in my head of my mother’s words, ‘Do not let anyone know, or you won’t have to worry about breathing again when my hand wraps around your neck for the final time’. Toby doesn’t look entirely convinced, but he drops it and instead asks, “Are you only eating one? You were practically salivating on them.” “Yeah, I’m rather full - you can have it if you want,” I offer. He shakes his head no, and I see him also not touching his last pancake. Nick then practically shouts, “Alright enough pancakes and cooking and showing off - let’s go watch a movie!” We all then clean off our plates and once again retreat to Nick’s room. We all look through his small movie collection, and settle for something animated, about guardians of children and their trials and tribulations against a nightmarish enemy. Which reminds me that I shouldn’t fall asleep tonight, otherwise I’m worried my nightmares will consume me, and I might wake the others up. I can’t let that happen. I must make my mother proud or I will be more of a purple-spotted dalmatian than before. Even as we are all laying on the floor on some blankets, and watching this movie progress, I feel myself slowly being captured by slumber’s tendrils, not sleeping well the night prior. I dig my fingernail into my palm to have the small jolt of pain keep me awake. I manage to last until the end of the movie, with Nick already sound asleep next to Thomas, who in turn is next to Toby, who I am next to. I can see Thomas’ eyes drooping rather low, and I see Toby get up and turn off Nick’s tv, and lay back down. Thomas drearily says, “Goodnight Shane, Toby,” as he yawns and gets comfortable on his makeshift bed. Toby hums a response of similar notions, and I turn to my side, facing away from them and say, “Goodnight guys,” already knowing there will be little sleep for me.


End file.
